Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
