Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
