So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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