Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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