ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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