smell my finger.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
