dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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