Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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