Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
