the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
