I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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