Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
