I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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