Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
