True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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