Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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