Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize