he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
