I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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