plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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