drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
