Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize