I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
