I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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