whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
