i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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