I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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