Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
