Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
