if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
