You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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