Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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