Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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