Don't make out with my wife yet
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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