I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
