dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
