a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
