Plan B is the new Plan A
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
