I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize