He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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