Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
