I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
