My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
