new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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