From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize