1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
