Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
