sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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