I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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