You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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