I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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