I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
