She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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