I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
