I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
