I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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