And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
