I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
