my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
