dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
third nipple confirmed
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
