If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize