Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
