And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
