Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
